Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
Matthew 22:37-40, NKJV
Is Self-Love Selfish?
As I navigate this path to slow and simple living, it has become imperative to explore the concept of self-love and its connection to my relationships with those around me.
I’ve personally struggled to reconcile self-love and self-care against avoiding selfishness, especially in marriage and motherhood, for a very long time. Over the years as a Christian, I’ve learned verses like Philippians 2:3 that state, “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind, esteem others better than yourself.” Growing up, I adopted an “others first at all costs” mentality, influenced by sermons, the desire to honor God and obey His word, and unhealthy and even abusive familial relationships.
Additionally, it’s easy to neglect myself when my family (i.e. my husband and children) constantly vies for my attention, knowing that their needs (and wants) require fulfillment. As an introvert, balancing my family’s needs without neglecting my personal well-being has been challenging. The fear of being selfish, vain, or even prideful adds to the guilt and sense of failure, especially when I’m unable (or unwilling) to meet every family demand. Addressing these concerns has become essential in navigating the delicate balance of slow and simple living – which, for me, is primarily about fostering close, loving relationships with God and the people He’s placed in my life, especially my family members.
While the Bible does clearly emphasize loving and serving others, it also teaches us to love others as we love ourselves; and, yes, we’re encouraged to consider others better than ourselves, but we’re also to look after our interests alongside others’ interests. We are of equal value to others, all abundantly loved and known by our Heavenly Father, and we should treat ourselves accordingly.
Self-love involves embracing who we are as children of God created in His image, acknowledging our identity and value in Christ, and caring for our well-being as temples of the Holy Spirit. In the journey to slow and simple living, self-love allows us to fill our cups to create a nurturing environment for ourselves and our loved ones. Crucially, I’m coming to understand that loving and caring for yourself isn’t synonymous with selfishness; it’s a necessary foundation for a healthy and balanced life.
3 Basic Ways to Balance Self-Love with Love for Others
Self-love manifests through various self-care practices, from basic needs like sleep, exercise, and a healthy diet to more indulgent activities like reading, long baths, or enjoying a quiet cup of tea. I’m learning a few practical tips for balancing unselfish self-love and self-care and want to share them with you, in case you’re struggling with the same issue:
Prioritize Self-Care without Guilt
Understand that taking care of yourself does not diminish your ability to care for others; it enhances it. You simply cannot pour from an empty cup, no matter how hard you try. I’ve noticed that I feel more energized and present for my family and am able to tackle whatever they need or even want from me when I do take consistent, uninterrupted time for myself to do things that I enjoy (e.g. organizing and home management, reading, journaling, practicing calligraphy, drawing).
Set Boundaries
I’ve struggled with protecting my boundaries for most of my life… I honestly don’t even know if I had any for at least the first half. I’m naturally a “people pleaser,” but I’ve been slowly learning that establishing boundaries is not selfish – it’s a way to protect your well-being and ensure that you can be fully present for others.
For me, I have two primary boundaries that are time frames I designate for no interruptions:
The first is early every weekday morning when I pray and read my Bible. My quiet time with God is extremely important to me; communing with Him first thing helps me to keep my priorities more in line with His will and close to Him. This boundary is typically easy to reinforce because my children are usually still asleep, and my husband is usually at work before then.
The second one is my work hours. I work full time from home, and I homeschool my children. When we first started homeschool this past August, they kept interrupting my workflow for help and by fighting with each other; so, I had to establish a firm boundary of no help until my lunch break. They still like to test it from time to time, so I just have to keep reminding them and remain firm. It’s slowly – maybe a little too slowly – becoming less and less of problem.
But, I’ve noticed that when I am consistent with protecting at least these two boundaries, I have more capacity to give my family, because I’m not as overwhelmed and stressed.
Practice Gratitude
Cultivate a grateful mindset, appreciating the people around you and the simple joys of life. There are so many proven benefits – physical and mental – to practicing gratitude. When I take that time out in the moment to praise God for His goodness or sincerely thank my family members when they do help, it fills me with this satisfying sense of contentment.
For example, this past November (Thursday 2 November 2023), I was lying on the cool, hard floor in my home office, stretching. I was looking up toward the ceiling. I first noticed the happy leaves of my plant atop my bookshelf, and then the most beautiful shade of blue-violet refracting in my sight from the partially open blinds of my office window. I felt this overwhelming sense of beauty, thankfulness, contentment, and utter bliss of peace. And I praised my God for it. I’ve noticed that gratitude, especially toward our Heavenly Father, for simple joys like this positively impact me in the most profound ways.
Impact
Beginning to incorporate these few principles into my own slow and simple journey has already made a significant difference in my life. By starting to embrace self-love, I’m becoming more present and authentic in my relationships. It’s definitely a continual learning process, but the rewards are invaluable. So, as we navigate this slow and simple path, let’s remember that self-love is not (necessarily) a selfish act. It’s a foundation that enables us to cultivate deeper connections with those we cherish.
Simply Amber Marie 