Thursday 21 March 2024
Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30, NKJV
It’s been just over a month since I confronted a paradoxical conflict within myself: my obsession with cleaning, particularly my comprehensive version of zone cleaning, and my desire to embrace a slower and simpler life filled with love for God and others. (For more details, reference my February 16th journal entry below.) I realized that, in the pursuit of cleanliness, I have unwittingly sacrificed the very simplicity that I long to embody. This internal struggle has been a long journey, one filled with anxiety and frustration, revelations, acceptance, and gradual transformation.
As a little girl, I found solace in the meticulousness of cleaning, and even more so in zone cleaning later after discovery in my early 20s. It was my sanctuary amidst chaos, a way to exert control in my world that often felt uncontrollable and unsafe. But, as I began to delve deeper into my pursuit of this more slow and simple way of life and a more meaningful existence, I began to question the weight of this obsession. Why did I cling so tightly to something that, in reality, was consuming me?
It was through introspection and a willingness to begrudgingly confront my past yet again that I began to unravel the roots of my cleaning obsession. Childhood trauma of abuse and abandonment, and the subsequent turmoil of an emotionally destructive marriage, had planted seeds of fear and anxiety within me, leading me to seek some semblance of control in the only way I knew how – through cleanliness and order.
However, as I began reading The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer and reflecting on Matthew 11:28-30, I realized that I didn’t have to carry this burden alone any longer. Jesus’s invitation to find rest in Him resonated deeply within me. His gentle and humble heart offered solace, a refuge from the weight that I had been carrying for so long.
With this newfound clarity, and after much prayer, I began to shift my mindset and make changes to my routines. In January, I replaced my entire cleaning routine, particularly zone cleaning, with a basic morning and evening tidy routine, where I was able to tidy and lightly clean practically the entire house in less than two hours total a day. I trained myself using a timer for about the first week or two. On days that I felt especially overwhelmed, I gave myself permission to do only my three bare minimum chores – a complete load of laundry, a kitchen clean-up with the focus on dishes, and a sweep of the floors downstairs. By mid-February, I had incrementally added a much slower version of zone cleaning back in to this new routine.
Thus, I began to loosen the grip on my obsession with zone cleaning, allowing myself to find joy in the process rather than being consumed by it, and I am finding freedom. Cleaning is transforming from an obsessive need for perfectionism to a practice of pure contentedness, a way to care for my surroundings without allowing it to dictate my worth or consume my thoughts. Each day has become an opportunity to learn from Jesus, to embrace His gentle spirit, and to find rest for my weary soul. I just couldn’t’ve come this far without Him.
Today, I am filled with gratitude for this journey that I’ve undertaken. Though I am still trying to work out a few irregularities in my new cleaning routine and defeat a couple of bad habits to be able to permanently quit zone cleaning, I take comfort in knowing that I walk the path ahead with Jesus by my side, His yoke easy and His burden light. May this journey of self-discovery and healing continue to lead me closer to Him, where true simplicity, rest, and fulfillment are found.
Friday 16 February 2024
Today, as I sit down to reflect on my journey towards a slower and simpler life, I am confronted with a paradoxical struggle – my obsession with cleaning, particularly zone cleaning. This conflict between my desire for cleanliness and my pursuit of simplicity has been weighing heavily on my mind, especially for about the last couple of months.
What is Zone Cleaning?
Popularized by Marla Cilley, who is also known as “the Flylady,” zone cleaning is basically a method of cleaning where you separate your house into five different zones. Traditionally, you declutter and thoroughly clean one zone for 15 minutes a day for one week, with the exception of zone 5 and zone 1. (For a more detailed explanation of zone cleaning from Flylady, you may read her article, Please Explain the Zones.)
My Zone Cleaning Background
I first discovered zone cleaning in as early as 2012, I believe, when I first came across the Flylady system of home management. I was a young mother with my first baby trying to figure out some routines for my unstructured life, through research.
Since discovery, I’ve tailored this method to suit various seasons of my life. During some seasons, I’ve focused on one zone per weekday, especially in the beginning with only one or two children; during other seasons of life, I’ve focused on one zone per weekend; and for most seasons of my life after circa 2018, I’ve focused on the more traditional one zone per week.
In my current season of life, I zone clean as much as I can during the week and try to finish during the weekend. I did and still do struggle with completing zones 5 and 1 almost every month, and I most always overspend several hours zone cleaning every week, and then I completely exhaust myself for a while, usually about a week or two.
Altshmerz
Zone cleaning fairly quickly transformed into a consuming obsession for me, and the need to maintain meticulously clean and organized spaces has been all-encompassing for too long. It may’ve been acceptable when my only role in life was a stay-at-home mother; but, now that I do have more responsibilities and I am trying to live a slower and simpler life, it’s become unsustainable.
In the pursuit of cleanliness, I have unwittingly sacrificed the very simplicity that I long to embody. I am reminded of the discord between my actions and my ideals. The constant need to spend hours decluttering, cleaning, and organizing each designated zone has left me feeling trapped in an unending cycle of chores, robbing me of the precious moments I yearn to savor. While I strive to simplify my life, I find myself ensnared in the complexities of my cleaning routine, struggling to reconcile the two.
Control
And I wonder why. Why this need for one space at a time to be thoroughly cleaned and organized, only for it to be dirty and messy again practically the next day? There is one factor that dominates them all – control.
For almost my entire life, I’ve felt like I didn’t have any control, no choice, mostly due to my innocent and utter ignorance. I was molested and sodomized by my biological father when I was about 5-years-old. He committed suicide long before I even felt the consequences of what he did to me, and I never had the chance to tell him that I forgive him. My mother was an alcoholic, and my siblings and I were in and out of foster care multiple times, when all my heart ached for was to be permanently reunited with my family. As a somewhat older child, I expressed an interest to reunite with my biological father’s side of my family when the opportunity arose, but I was ultimately rejected because my guardians thought that it wasn’t in my best interest, after all, and would somehow re-traumatize me. I’ve been in a narcissistic abusive relationship for many years, and my control, identity, and worth has been stripped away because of that, too.
Life is messy and chaotic; there is so much uncertainty. Zone cleaning is not; it’s so simple. With zone cleaning and organizing, the expectations are clear, and I have the control over the improvement of our spaces. The feeling of a clean and organized space is utter relief and serenity. It’s short-lived, especially with five people (including myself), and now a puppy in our house; but, those feelings are addicting, especially when maintaining clean and organized spaces is the one thing that I felt like I have had control over for a very long time, since childhood, when I was dealt difficult hands in life.
In reality, I now realize that I’m not in control; this obsession is controlling me. The problem is that I become utterly engrossed in zone cleaning to the point that I tune everyone else out and can’t be bothered by my family. I tend to become anxious and irritable if I’m interrupted when fully engaged in zone-cleaning. But, I’m only getting temporary results – one temporarily almost-perfectly clean space, and the brief satisfaction of a job well done. None of those last for long. So, I have to keep progressing every day, wear myself out, neglect my family and myself in the process, and repeat. In reality, the comprehensive way I zone clean gives me a false sense of control and accomplishment.
Learning to Release
I’ve known that the obsessive way that I zone clean hasn’t been working out for me for years. While one area would be cleaned for a brief moment in time, the rest of the house would basically be chaos. Last month, I finally decided to try to let go of it, and I quit zone cleaning for almost a month (i.e. 3 weeks), which was extremely difficult for me. I replaced zone cleaning with a morning and evening tidying routine, where I was able to tidy and lightly clean the entire house in less than two hours a day. I tidied the downstairs in the morning and the upstairs in the evening. Dishes and laundry were the only true cleaning tasks that I completed during the week. I cleaned the bathrooms during the weekend – not a thorough clean, but a basic clean of the toilets and sinks, a “swish and swipe” as the Flylady calls it.
The results were wonderful! I wasn’t as anxious or stressed. The entire house was tidy most of the time. I felt less overwhelmed and more at peace. Originally, I had planned to quit zone cleaning permanently, with the option to at least take it one month at a time. I did “relapse” during the third week of January and decided to thoroughly clean most of my zone 1, starting with my hallways. My dog and my children seemed to be bringing in extra dirt when playing outside, so it needed to be done. I figured I might as well clean the entire zone while I was at it. I was almost done with my zone 1 when I started feeling anxious again, so I stopped myself there.
Last week, the kitchen (my zone 2) was feeling disgusting, so I decided to fully resume zone cleaning. I cleaned that kitchen from top to bottom, inside and out. Now, I’m working in the bathrooms (my zone 3) this week. But, I’m starting to feel overwhelmed and anxious again; my obsession is returning. Old habits die hard, and how quickly I forget! Not just one area, but our entire house felt manageable and tidy on a regular basis when I quit zone cleaning for those four weeks total (over the past five weeks).
Are the false feelings of control and wrapping my self-worth and identity in striving for a perfectly cleaned and organized house really worth my peace, sanity, and relationships? Of course not. But, if I were to completely quit zone cleaning – permanently, this time – how do I solve the problem of disgusting kitchen and bathrooms when I’m not regularly thoroughly cleaning them? I think that is the main dilemma I struggle with currently, but I know I’m overthinking, always over-analyzing. There just has to be a solution.
Hopeful
Amidst the turmoil, I find solace in the realization that true simplicity is not found in a perfectly clean house nor in the absence of struggle, but in cultivating balance and mindfulness. It’s about embracing cleanliness in a way that enriches my life, and having the courage to confront challenges and grow through them. As I continue on this journey with an open heart and renewed purpose, I commit to embracing imperfection, practicing self-compassion, and creating a welcoming home for my family and me where simplicity and serenity coexist, trusting the Lord that amidst the chaos, clarity and peace will indeed emerge.
Simply Amber Marie 